November 2009
40 posts
Edward VS. Buffy (LOL)
BUFFY: Whoa. Turn it down there, Tinkerbell.
EDWARD: Shhh! You'll wake my darling Isabella!
BUFFY: Right. Sorry. It's just you really ought to take the batteries out. Somebody might mistake you for a Christmas tree.
EDWARD: I'm sorry. It's my vampire skin. It sparkles in the sun or the bright light of the moon.
BUFFY: Uh-huh.
EDWARD: I'm serious! That's why I can't go out during the day.
BUFFY: That and the bursting into flames thing.
EDWARD: No, really. It's just the sparkle.
BUFFY: Hey, I hate to break it to you, but real vampires don't sparkle. I should know. I have the t-shirt.
EDWARD: Who are you?
BUFFY: Name's Buffy. I'm a vampire slayer. I mean, it's not who I am, or anything. It's just what I do. Girl's gotta have a hobby, you know?
[BUFFY WAVES HER STAKE AT EDWARD AND BELLA, WHO IS STILL ASLEEP.]
EDWARD: I don't allow Bella to have hobbies. She might get hurt.
BUFFY: So what is this, you just like to play with your food before you eat it?
EDWARD: What? Oh! No! I love Bella. I could never drink her blood! Even though it is the sweetest blood I've ever smelled...No, I just like to watch her sleep.
BUFFY: Sure. And after a little watching, there'll be the 'sucky-sucky.' Wait--scratch that. You know what I mean.
EDWARD: No--you don't understand. I don't drink human blood. I drink rats' blood. I'm a vegetarian.
BUFFY: Um, I don't think you understand the 'veggie' part of that equation.
EDWARD: It's a joke.
BUFFY: Uh-huh. All right, Bunnicula. Step away from the damsel and let's do this.
EDWARD: But Bella needs my protection! She'll hurt herself terribly if I'm not there to protect her.
BUFFY: Riiiight. Seriously, not even Riley was this lame. [SHE STEPS CLOSER.] Wait a minute. I know you. Don't we have chem lab together?
EDWARD: Yes. That's where I met the love of my life.
BUFFY: How old are you?
EDWARD: 108 years old.
BUFFY: And you still go to high school? What are you, a masochist or something?
EDWARD: I still look seventeen. I'm trying to fit in.
BUFFY: Ever heard of homeschooling? The GED? Honestly, if I was immortal I don't think I'd be too concerned about truancy.
EDWARD: Maybe I just like sharing my knowledge and experience with young people.
BUFFY: Yeah. Somehow I don't think you're at Sunnydale High to head up the Junior Achievement program. All right. Let's go.
EDWARD: Wait! I'm a lover, not a fighter!
BUFFY: Me too. But you know what they say: stakes don't kill vampires; girls with stakes kill vampires. Mr. Sparkly, meet Mr. Pointy.
[BUFFY STAKES EDWARD, AND HE EXPLODES INTO DUST. THE SOUND WAKES BELLA, THE GIRL SLEEPING IN THE BED. BELLA THEN SAYS "Huh? What's going on?"]
BUFFY: Just a bad dream, sweetheart. [HANDS HER A CARD] I run a support group called Vampire-Lovers Anonymous. We meet Thursday afternoons at 4:30 in the Sunnydale High Library. Drop by sometime.
