June 2009
73 posts
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Reverse-discrimination? Isn't discrimination just... →
Random Scene From a Random Story
They hadn’t amended their plan to include Stuart. Stuart, district manager, conservative die-hard, Republican zombie. He stood in his pleated khaki pants, ultra-tight polo shirt that he buttoned all the way to the top. I’m staring at his Rick Astley hairdo and oversized American Psycho turtle shell glasses, and forget that I am carrying the 150 pound German Shepard.
The Most Random Seguay to Nothing
Me: ...
Aaron: So I'm at this rennaisance fair...
Me: You have me attention.
Aaron: ....
Me: Yes?
Aaron: ....
Road House
It’s time to crack out my Road House DVD and pair it up with Point Break for a night of ruckus late ’80s/early ’90s bouncer mullet and Gary Busey cocktail.
Wa.nt.ed
Christopher Walken, a bottle of his preferred booze, and a big band CD to get him dancing.
They Are Killing Me
I am edited on all sides, you want this, you should do that, don’t say those words. I write. Words are what I’ve got. That’s the only contribution I can offer the world. Don’t take that away and make me a drone.
Weekend
Pretty average and boring. Tried to mow at mid-day in order to make an early dinner date. After the coma and saline IV I missed the date anyway. The wife had me go to a dueling piano bar, which ended up being fun once the Journey songs started. Then I was ordained as a Dudeist Priest, and decided to simply abide.
Dueling Piano Bars
Another reason I sit rocking back and forth at night with a shotgun.
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Pulp Fiction
Mia Wallace had a theory that people were either Elvis people, or Beatles people. You could like both, but one was a little bit more dominant. Do you think it’s the same with Michael Jackson and Prince for later generations?
Farrah Fawcett
She died, too. For those that forgot in the eight hours between her death and Michael Jackson.
Paul McCartney
Press: Hey, Paul. John Lennon died. What are your thoughts?
Paul: It's a drag.
Press: Michael Jackson died. What are your thoughts?
Paul: It was a priveledge to know him, and work with him...Blah, blah, blah.. Etc.
Press: Unbalanced much?
Michael Jackson
My final word on the “King of Pop” is this: The man was a little off, true. But he was off toward the innocent side of things, and I don’t think he even thought in any sexual context. He just had a rough, practically non-existant childhood which he elected to re-live. I don’t think he ever looked at a little boy and had anything but innocent love.
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What Sexy is (when mute) →
Wa.nt.ed
One true smile my way. One gentle touch. One piece of decency in an indecent world. If found, please return it to the very next person you meet.
What Happens Next?
I’m writing the new book very simply. Me, comp notebook, and a pen. No notes, no post-its, and all on the spot. (these will all be typed and fleshed out later) And I’ve found myself more excited about writing than I did in high school.
Fair City News →
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Douchebaggery
Stop driving with your cel-phone to your ear. Whoever it is can obviously call and talk to you when you’re not weaving in and out of lanes on the highway, forcing folks off the road and causing 56 car pile ups. Don’t forget that voicemail is an option.
Me Vs. Me
Me: You're really down on yourself.
Meme: It's all in good fun. I like self-depricating humor.
Me: Or, it could be that you suffer from low self-esteem, and placing your insecurities out there in the open, and fkltering it through laughter you hope that somebody will tell you those weak points aren't there. Thus, you get validation.
Meme: Der.
Me: How is that going?
Meme: (Hangs head in sadness)
Hump Day
It’s Wednsday. Halfway point in the work week. No big whoop.
A Tip for the Ladies
Guys will put up with a large load of your crap if they think they will get any sort of physical satisfaction from you. We will put up with: tacky nicknames, bad taste in movies and music, buying the most expensive item on the menu, cult memberships, alien abductions, zombies, drug trafficking, stabbings, gunshot wounds, and bad fashion choices. So, hold out on the physical activity until the men...
Wa.nt.ed
Ed Mcmahon, at my door, with an insulting large check and a camera crew. Oops, too soon?
Chat with Evil (circa 1990)
Evil: You should kill your parents.
Me: Why would I do that?
Evil: You can have the money, the house, everything.
Me: But I'm only 13. I can't drive.
Evil: The money would buy all the X-Men comics you want.
Me: Should I use the gun, or the knife?
Evil: He, he, he... Excellent.
He-Man
You have to appreciate a green tiger that talks and a magical floating shadow creature in an oversized shirt and fedora that give life lessons via violence against villainous skeleton creatures with blue bodies. I never had to take acid- thanks He-Man.
Wa.nt.ed
One woman, willing to wear a Charles Nelson Reilley costume, one man willing to dress like Betty White, and one necromancer to reanimate the corpse of Richard Dawson. No further questions.
Tears
Girl: You used to be fun, you used to stand for something. Now look at you.
Me: What about me?
Girl: You're overweight, underpaid, and you have lost all of your virility.
Me: ...
Girl: Why are you still in this world?
Me: .....
Girl: U still there?
Me: What was the point of this conversation?
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Wa.nt.ed
One British adult film star, one jilted fiance, and 2 Cocker Spaniels. No questions asked.
Wa.nt.ed
One overrage Elvis impersonator, to wear a white Colonal Sanders suit and eat breakfast with his wife, “Mama”, and tell me how he styles that Jor-El hair. (Yes, this person is real.)
How Lucky Was I?
You found me, and gave me a real home and a place that I belonged. I miss you, love you, and thank you for being in my life. Happy Father’s Day
Poverty
I remember being too poor to keep a roof over my head, or food in my belly. Stealing to clean my clothes, leftovers from the Burger King got me by, and the charity of friends. I was richer, though. Poverty breeds loyalty, and loyalty rewards with friendship. Or, maybe I just remember those days fondly because of their simplicty. The more simple the surroundings, the more room for creative flow.
Prayer
I seem to be playing phone tag with God. I don’t pray very much for myself, that is covered, but when I pray for others, it goes horribly awry, often the very opposite of the intended purpose. So, I have stopped asking for anything, which has been more successful. Of, course how would YOU define success with prayer?
Soul
Excuse me, sir, you seem to have stepped on my soul. Oh, don’t worry. It never fit me anyway.
Observer
I have stopped being a participant in my own life. When did I become content just to be an observer? There is a feeling that sticks with me: I don’t fit into my life anymore.
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Sadness, and mourning
I felt a swell of sadness, and I revled in it for a moment. I knew when I got up from my chair, the overwhelming emotion would be lost in the shuffle of the day. When it had passed, I briefly mourned it’s loss.
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